Problem with dating a doctor

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  1. Categories
  2. Anyone else found doctors extremely difficult to date?
  3. Anyone else found doctors extremely difficult to date?
  4. Thoughtful, Meaningful Content

If it were me, I would be flattered they had that much time to spend on me. I would also say that this is the most stressful point in their lives. They get hazed, they get questioned all the time, they don't get sleep, they have people's lives in their hands and have to struggle to be confident in what they know, but not too egotistical to kill someone Give him the benefit of the doubt and some space. After residency, depending on what specialty they do, there will be a separate set of rules of how they have to give their time oncall, early surgery times, working holidays etc.

But honestly, after putting so much time and money into something, not doing their absolute best and putting time and effort into it just isn't something people are apt to do even if they do like you If you can't be cool with getting what you can get now, I would consider there are plenty of things that might not change setting them loose. However, "medical families" can work.


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They require a healthy dose of flexibility, nontraditional expectations, and teamwork You aren't always gonna have a Christmas etc I can understand it would be hard to understand the cues you are getting if you have no basis for that lifestyle, but really think it over. What this guy needs is support and understanding Maybe you didn't intend it this way, but it sounds like you're assuming I'm not already giving him the benefit of the doubt, space, support, and understanding. I am giving him all of those things.

I never pressure him to spend time with me. We see each other about once every ten days, or times a week at most when his schedule is lighter. I do not text or call him frequently-- I'll send him the occasional message, but generally I let him initiate contact and dictate the pace.

We will occasionally go as long as days without talking at all, and when we do sometimes we go a full day between responding to each other's texts. I never give him shit for it. I give input into our activities for dates, and this works out well since we're very compatible and like spending leisure time the same way.

Dating a Doctor - Pros and Cons - How to date a Doctor - KIENVUUMD

But I ultimately leave it to him most times. If he's too tired from work to go to a party that we both wanted to go to, then I'm cool with staying in since I just enjoy his company and am happy to finally be seeing him. So we'll drink the beer I brought over and I give him a back massage and go down on him luckily he does return the favor in terms of physical stuff when he 's less tired and we have amazing sex. But my struggle is with whether or not he is willing to give anything with sacrifice and commitment, and how much of this has to do with me vs.

For instance, I am okay with the us not seeing each other very often part. But can't he send me a text just once a day or every few days to let me know he's thinking of me? Or when I get up at 5: So far I have not brought up any of this with him because I'm trying to offer all of that support and space you mentioned and I wanted to give him the chance to do it himself. I figured he may still be finding his feet in his residency and as we grow closer, he might start putting in more effort. I also just care about him enough and admire his reasons for becoming a doctor that I'm willing to make sacrifices so that his life is easier.

But I'm trying to determine how much of that behavior is truly down to his profession, and how much of it is him not being very into me or just selfish and unwilling to compromise even if that selfishness is a byproduct of his residency, and not how he would be in other circumstances. Or am I just being a pushover and need to demand a little more if he wants to keep seeing me? As someone starting residency next year and whose father and brother went through it, and whose girlfriend is about to start it I have to say that you can't be mad at him for not sacrificing something to spend time with you - there is literally nothing else to sacrifice; residency is called residency because the doctors used to live in the hospitals, and it was akin to monks in monastery.

In any case; I can assure you from your post that he doesn't sound like he's being selfish; the behavior does sound like its residency related and not selfishness related. Hey, thanks for the info! He doesn't like to complain or talk about work too much when we're together so it really helps to hear from another resident just how crazy it is. Do you and your girlfriend have any kind of plan for how you're going to manage your relationship while you're both in residency?

What do you think is a reasonable expectation for how much time you will spend together, how often you will talk, etc.? To be honest; we're not couples matching pretty disparate specialties not conducive to couples matching but we're matching by geography, so I guess we'll have to wait and see if we're still together after the match: Well I guess you can always ask him for a little clarification etc. Nothing beats a face to face talk. I had this issue with my husband and I had to straight out tell him what I needed because he had no clue.

He might just be unpracticed at your "love language". Yeah, I think we need to have that talk I've been putting off.

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It will help to come in armed with everything I'm learning from the different perspectives on here though. Thanks for the help. Did you ask him to drop you off and he refused, or were you hoping he'd think of it himself? If it's the former I'm more inclined to think he's being self-centered in your relationship. If it's the latter then you may need to be more direct and take initiative. Why not ask him where he wants the relationship to go? It's a fair question and you've already been super accommodating. I asked, he refused. Said he wanted those extra few minutes in the morning, but prefaced it by saying he knew it was selfish of him.

He also doesn't let me sleep in and stay there when he leaves for work. I guess I can understand that because his door needs to be locked from the outside and it would be too soon in our relationship to give me a key. Other guys I've dated in a similar situation have just asked me to put the keys in the mailbox when I leave though. It's pretty rough waking up to drive home that early and then trying to go back to sleep again for just a little bit before getting up again for work.

That one I haven't asked him about yet though since I feel like it would be a little presumptuous and might seem like I'm rushing things commitment-wise. Well, for me I'd take issue with the refusal to be a gentleman. It's like saying I know how to treat you respectfully buuutt I don't feel like it. I look at my single male doctor colleagues and some of them are sweet and honestly looking for a connection.

And some of them are selfish and fully aware that as a doctor they can pull in hot females, many of whom will put up with being treated poorly. And those women are very replaceable to them. If he says he wants to keep things casual, head for the hills - he's the latter and he doesn't appreciate you. I'm the overly busy person. It's been really, really hard for my fiancee, and I don't think he would be my fiancee if I was this busy when we had met. It sounds like you two haven't gotten exceptionally close and that it wouldn't be too hard on either of you to jump ship and move on.

Honestly, he probably is giving you as much of his free time as he can,and can't give you any more. I have been on both sides of this situation, and I know how much it sucks to feel like you're doing everything you can to make it as easy and convenient as possible for the other person to spend time with you, but theyre still not seeing you all that much, and you think they should be able to give you a little more. Well, sometimes they cant. I know how much it hurts, and it makes you feel unwanted.


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  • I learned that you have to weigh thes things out--is it someone you care enough about to wait for? It sounds like you dont even know this guy well enough to answer that question but I could be wrong. It seems like you havent had enough time to get to know him, and honestly you wont for a while.

    It requires a special kind of patience, and I think that the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has to be something you can relate to. It sounds like you unfortunately ran into this guy at the wrong point in life. It's up to you to decide whether or not this is someone worth waiting for.

    Do you see yourself marrying this person if marriage is something you are interested in for the future? Do you see yourself being with him for many years? Are you ok with waiting for that? He will eventually have more time for you, but right now he is likely giving you all the time that he can, even though it is very little. Unfortunately, I can't answer the questions about marrying him etc.

    But the reason I don't know him well enough is because we don't spend enough time together, or I feel like he's not really "letting me in" to get close to him. It's like a catch or something. However, from what I have seen he has all of the qualities I want from someone long-term.

    I really like him, and I think we fit together well with personality, values, and life goals. If he is the right person for me, then I would wait and deal with the busy schedule in the meantime. But I can't figure out whether or not we will ever get to that stage with the current situation and I'm scared of wasting my time waiting for things to get better.

    Do you think I need to have some sort of commitment from him before I can make that decision? Also, what do you and your fiancee do to deal with the busyness? I mentioned in another post that I am okay with us not seeing each other all the time.

    Anyone else found doctors extremely difficult to date?

    I am very active with my work, social life, and activities and independent. But I wish he would call or text me or maybe make a sweet gesture every once in awhile. It just seems like I'm never on his mind unless I'm physically in front of him, and then he's sweet as can be. Whereas I think of him all the time. Do people that are that busy honestly not have time to even think about their SO? Or does this sound more like a conscious choice he's making not to get invested in this?

    Feel free to see some of them as rhetorical. I am just starting to get a little panicky and upset about this the more I think about it. I think it's very helpful that I wasn't nearly as busy for most of our relationship thus farwe got engaged before I got absurdly busy and so it's not like we weren't extremely close. There is rarely minute that goes by where I am not thinking about him in some way.

    I am thinking about him pretty much all the time. However, that doesn't mean I am in a situation where I can call or text or anything. I do try to send little texts or call when I have time but not as much as he'd like. If I were to signal him everytime I thought about him, I'd be on the phone with him almost all of my waking hours.

    If I'm focused on something like reading a textbook, or working on some problem then I might still think of him vaguely but I'm not going to whip out my phone or go and see himI'm busy. But I'm still thinking about him.

    Anyone else found doctors extremely difficult to date?

    Or, if I'm at work, even though I'm constantly busy, even if I wasn't, I can't just pull my phone out and call--i'm at work. Or, I might be in class. Medical school and residency is really intense, and I think it's pretty common for doctors to get married a little later in life than the average couple. Also, don't forget, some people just arent very good at conveying emotions. It was totally eye-opening. Plus I just quit my medical interpreting job last month. I am so happy to not be working in the medical field any more. Props to people who do! You were a banker too!?

    Are you still working in interpreting or are you doing something totally different? Wow, I bet medical interpreting was tough… Richard said nowadays they mostly use a phone service for interpreting. Yep, I was an analyst in a bank for 3 years after college. Totally hated it too! I hated it so much, in fact, that I ran off to China! Honestly, the bulk of what I did was pretty routine and uninteresting.

    Since I interpreted remotely via video, I got most of the routine cases: I can interpret those kinds of check ups in my sleep. Those were difficult both in terms of terminology and in understanding what was going on medically. There are so many names in both English and Chinese. I noticed that in Asia they care much more about language skills than here.


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    I keep getting job offers from China and Japan while I truly struggle to find work here in the states. I came across your blog on a google search and I really enjoyed what you wrote. I currently just started dating someone who is not only in the military, but a doctor. We are doing long distance at the moment and I was wondering if you have any advice? His specality is emergency medicine so I know that is extreamley competitive.

    What advice do you have for a newbie? What my boyfriend and I used to do when we were long distance is write really, crazy long emails to each other almost as long as my blog posts. I would find it therapeutic to type out all of my feelings and at the same time he would get an update.

    Luckily he also wrote back really long emails and it helped us stay in touch we were doing overseas long distance—so that helped a lot. I think patience and understanding is also important. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. I walked over to a table of women and eavesdropped on their conversation. Still trying to get a doctor? At the time, I never imagined I would someday date a doctor. It's important to be proactive when dating a doctor in regards to stress.

    Doctors face an inordinate amount of stress in their careers, so it's vital that you help your partner de-stress. Plan activities that can reduce stress. Plan for a movie night at the end of a long day, or to marathon watch a TV show you both love. Suggest you and your practice stress reducing activities like meditation and yoga together. Exercise is a great way to reduce stress. Getting in regular physical activity can really help with your relationship with your partner. Think about planning hiking dates, or taking trips to the gym together.

    Part 2 Quiz When your partner is stressed, why should you offer comfort before offering advice? It shows your partner that you care. Advice can come off the wrong way. It will help you to understand what they are experiencing. All of the above. Allow your partner's patients to come first. In a relationship with a doctor, you are not the priority much of the time.

    Your partner's patients will always come before you, as they are reliant on your partner for their physical wellbeing. Strive to be understanding of this fact. In the event of a medical emergency, the patient will come first. While you may be frustrated by this at times, remind yourself this is what you signed up for by getting involved with a doctor.

    Thoughtful, Meaningful Content

    Try and think about the patients when you feel frustrated. While you may want to see your partner, they're undergoing stressful medical procedures and potentially serious conditions. Focus on the pros of dating a doctor. Dating a doctor can get frustrating at times, but remember the pros. Doctors are usually intelligent and committed to their patients.

    Many doctors are very empathetic, and have a true passion for what they do. Not to mention, you got involved with this specific person for a reason. Try to remember what initially drew you to this person, and why the relationship is worth it for you. Patience is important when dating a doctor.

    You do not know what the schedule will be like on any given day, and it can be frustrating to always have plans in flux. However, strive for pride over frustration. Remember, your partner is doing something that he or she deeply cares about. You should be proud of his or her ambition and encourage his or her passions. Value the small moments.

    You may not have time for epic date nights when dating a doctor. Try to value the small moments instead. Plan for light, flexible dates and be thankful for the time you have together. Plan brief dates, like running to the store together or having a picnic. Appreciate when you spend time together.

    Turn off your phone and eliminate distractions. Focus solely on enjoying your partner's company. Part 3 Quiz When you feel frustrated because you haven't seen your partner, you should think about: People who do not have someone they love. I met this really nice doctor when I was in the out patient department of my local hospital. It seemed that we had a connection. Can you please tell me if it's ok for me to call him at work and ask him out? It is not appropriate for a doctor to date a patient. You also should not call a doctor's office for personal matters, as actual patients need to get through an ask for medical advice.

    Not Helpful 29 Helpful Include your email address to get a message when this question is answered. Already answered Not a question Bad question Other. Tips Allow space for your doc date to unwind. Don't presume that just because he or she is off duty that you can drag him or her out all night. Just as you like to wind down after work, be considerate of your doc date's need to do this too. Warnings Never ask your doctor boyfriend or girlfriend to do anything that could jeopardize his or her job, such as writing unlawful prescriptions.

    Don't think doctors are rich. On the contrary, physicians often make less money than their accountants. There are many docs who don't have paid vacations, have huge student loans to pay off, have to provide entirely for their own retirement plus pay to educate their children. Did this summary help you? Featured Articles Getting a Date In other languages: Did this article help you? Cookies make wikiHow better.