Dating divorced woman needs space


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We usually fire off texts at each other by 9am, but I got nothing from her all morning.

5 Tips for Dating a Divorced Woman

I finally ask her later how she's doing Then comes the bomb. She clarifies later that she didn't mean it that way, that what we had was special, but she definitely wants to get some space, and wanted to tell me because it wouldn't be fair to string me along. My one shred of hope is she added to that, that she was hesitant to lay it out to me because "she doesn't want to lose me forever". I've never once in my life been at such a total loss and dealt so much pain in a relationship. I thought my divorce was difficult, but at least with it, there were years of resentment and obvious issues I could make sense of.

How does someone take a fairytale love and literally overnight, turn it off? I consider myself a pretty resilient and stable person, and usually am able to self-coach my way through almost anything. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm deluding myself with hope that she'll come back after she heals on her own, or if I should just walk away now and never look back.

I went through several stages pretty rapidly, anger, frustration, sadness. At first I told her goodbye. But I was such a wreck imagining life without her, I came back the next day and told her I had her back. Currently, I've decided I will support her decision. I gave her some bits of advice that I could think of. I then told her I won't contact her again until she is ready and reaches out to me, whether that's a week, a month, or a year. I also said that although I'll be quiet, I'll be thinking of her constantly, and that she has all my love and support while she deals with this.

What should I do? What shouldn't I do? Has anyone been through this? Am I being a dummy? Please tell me there's hope. My two best friends, a married couple, strongly believe there's hope. They think she will come back to me if I let her have her space and she has time to process. I don't know if they are just trying to say what I want to hear right now to ease my grief though. I'm already arranging therapy to help myself, and having been through a painful D already, I know all the things I should be doing for myself to keep from wallowing in grief.

What I'm hoping for is someone out there has been through the same thing and can say "It's a long hard road, but in the end, it worked out for us. I've been searching all over for similar stories, and so far found only one site where actually a few people had the same experience. Unfortunately, most of the advice was very religious which is not what I'm looking for.

I need practical advice on odds and steps to take to give our relationship the best chance of success of coming back together after she's had time to process her new reality. I'm also hoping by sharing this, maybe someone else in the same boat finds it and knows they are not alone. Because it is absolutely and utterly devastating, and I know just knowing someone else has been through it helps.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I promise I will post updates as this progresses. Share Share this post on Digg Del. I know your pain. I lived your pain and as a matter of fact, am still living it. I am divorced infidelity on his part and reconnected with an old bf.

He pursued me for 5 months, calling every day. He came to visit; it was a great visit, met my son, planned a bunch of things together and left telling me to think of this as a new beginning. The gig was up. I was unbelievably hurt. I didn't deserve how he broke it to me, waiting three days and I sure didn't understand it. I still don't, although I have some ideas - but this is your thread. She would like for you to stand in the wings in case she decides she wants you again. You are better than that. It is her issue, not yours. If you continue in limbo, you will only hurt yourself.

It is a terrible place to live. I believe that some of my angst is because of my divorce. I know what you mean by at least there were years of issues to justify that. This was sudden, unexpected and devastating. Mine was not a rebound - too far out, I think, but it hurt like rebounds do when they fail. It was the first try out of the gate after my divorce and I was rejected. I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you need to talk to friends about it, get it out, cry and finally accept that she ended the relationship. If she comes back at a later date, you might feel differently about going back with her than you do now.

You may decide that you are not willing to give your heart so freely to someone who can't decide whether they want you or not. For me, the bridge is burned, never to go over it again. Yes, but I am moving on with my life and trying my best to give him the least amount of power I can and keeping what I can for myself.

Leave her alone and go forward. David Russell Scottish classical guitarist. Personally, I'd leave it alone and continue going about daily life. People handle divorce differently. It's entirely possible that she may grieve it the same as death and such grief is a process, for her, that excludes you. Also, she may consider your presence to be a reminder of the death process, so unwelcome right now. If faced with such a dynamic today, I'd offer my love and bid her goodbye, respectfully. No ifs, ands or buts. Then go on with my life without further contact.

She made a choice and it has consequences. In those I would wish her well. Good luck with your life and the gifts your three kids it has blessed you with. Thank you guys for the responses. Here's a bit of update. I went to some counseling today, which was helpful if for no other reason than to just talk to someone without feeling like I'm burdening a friend. We didn't have time to go super deep in the first session obviously, but she told me a couple of useful things that gave me some hope.

It's closing the door on a dark chapter to be sure, but it's closing a door. She said also that in abusive cases, many people tend to just shut down parts of themselves and go numb once they have closure. Unfortunately there's no telling for how long those emotions stay numb, or if they ever come back at all Which I took as a positive. The other quick advice she gave me at the end is if I want to have the best shot of coming back together, if I want to help her the most now, that I should focus on what's best for me right now.

Of course the irony of that is that my GF was the best thing for me in a long time. She said the last thing you want to do is end up rushing back into it when one or the other of us is bending over backward for the other. The best shot at a healthy relationship is if we both come into it on equal terms and wholly healed. I know that's been said a million times, but hearing it from a professional was helpful. I realized during the session that a hidden huge positive of this going down like it did is that my GF was completely honest with me at the moment she felt something wrong.

I can see how if we end up together again, that decision is going to be a huge source of trust and bonding for me I also reached out to her best friend on Facebook, who suggested I should give it some time and see where it goes, and that she agreed with my assessment of the situation. Not a huge confidence boost, but not a "GTFO and move on" either. I'm still having a very hard time comprehending how someone going through this wouldn't want the support of the person who's been there for them night and day for months, a person she described just a month ago as "the true great love of her life".

I can't help but replay in my head the way she laughed and smiled when we were together or over skype, how it felt like pure sunlight radiating on me. Missing that so much. I just have to keep telling myself that she needs to prove to herself that she can do this on her own. That maybe we had progressed far enough that she felt long term commitment reverberations starting to happen which spooked her for the similarities in how her marriage originally began. Anyway, another day down. In an odd way, I hear what she is saying and get where she is coming from.

It may have been a tumultuous relationship, hurtful, and the way it ended probably even more hurtful. But it is what she knew. Even when she was in limbo.. The realization and a slight case of denial which is part of the grieving process may have had to set in again. She may need to go through the process on her own for a bit.. In that time though you can remind her without smothering her I don't know if there are some personal jokes between the two of you or something that will instantly trigger a good memory of you two within her.

She needs to remember all the good and who she is NOW.. Something that will make her flash to something you all shared that will make her smile.. I am not alone. Well I'm not really looking for input, just chronicling the journey as I go, as promised. So here's the latest. It's been about two weeks since this started. I've been doing pretty well for the most part, reading lots of stuff online and in books, keeping busy with my own work, kids, etc. If you are dating a divorced woman that is not grounded, it will most likely end up in failure. You will find these 5 tips useful when dating a divorced woman.

Remember if you do not act like a gentleman, now is a good time to start because it will help you open up her personal space and speed up the pace of the relationship. Dating a divorced woman has its challenges, but it will all be worth it in the end if you happen to find your soul mate. Scott Trick grew up in Greenfield, Wisconsin but recently relocated to Jackson, Wisconsin to live with his wife and two step children. Scott enjoys helping others succeed, which is one of the reason he created Smart Divorce Network. Are you concern about your husband recent behavior?

Going through a divorce? My ex-husband is a firefighter, so he would have multiple days in a row off. Things men do when they want a divorce. Scott Trout June 25, October 2, Realistically, she needs time, space, and understanding to figure her shit out. It's going to take awhile for her to get her head together.

She's going to have feelings of regret and possibly depression. At some point, it's likely, she might want to play the field for a little. Guess what you just signed up for? You are being used. Head for the hills, dude.

Top 17 Tips to Date a Divorced Single Woman

Take your newfound confidence after finally getting some play and get yourself another decent girl. You can do it. This relationship is a train wreck and you know it. Dude, if you want this girl, you need to back way the heck off while she gets over her divorce.

And you need to spend that time figuring out how you managed to stay single since you were Heck, I don't think you could stay out of some sort of relationship even if your neighbours were anything like mine in my last town -- little old ladies that had martinis at 4pm. Yes, she's using you. I guarantee you that she genuinely likes you if she's letting you in as far as she is, but you're a rebound -- you're being used by her to prop up her mental state well enough to get on with her day to day life while she reduces and weans off the part of her brain that's all about having a man in her life.

In that way, you're an angel and a godsend, and if you play it right you could come out of this as her personal angel and have a good, long-lasting relationship. Doing things right in this case means walking a fine line between being 'there' for her as a friend and a companion, and being there for her as a lover.

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Right now her head's spinning. Letting her settle it down and just know that you're there for her is the right thing. Saying, "Hey, what happened to the way we were last week? That's what you said in your post above. That's what's making her confused and making her rush. She saw the man she married last weekend and moved away from him.

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Can you imagine the conflicting emotions she's got running through the head when she comes back and sees you? The guilt that remains in her for leaving a man that she made vows to and made a family with, and a man that she's trusted? She couldn't do anything but come home and be distant to you.

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Oh, and one other thing -- she's not "a young woman". If she heard you refer to her that way, she might be insulted. She may not have as much life experience as you do, but once you're past 22 or so, age means almost nothing. Take a look at how much respect you have for her, as that'll be important in any relationship you form. If you push her, and your own insecurity admit it, it's there, I got it too takes the front seat and drives, then as soon as she's done getting her soon-to-be-ex-husband out of her head, she's going to ditch you as well because she's no longer needing the kind of support she depended on you for.

She's still trying to figure out why she doesn't trust her ex-husband and does trust you. If she comes up with "I trust anonymous because I need him right now," then you're gone as soon as she doesn't depend on your support. If you don't want that, get your head in the right spot. I want to suggest that the person you need to put first here is not you, nor her, but that little girl. She may not have as much life experience as you do, - SpecialK Or she may.

Top 17 Tips to Date a Divorced Single Woman

She's been married, had a kid, and is now divorced. That gives a person a fair amount of life experience. You haven't been in a relationship since you were her age. Yeah, raedyn, that's kind of what I was getting at. I just didn't word it the way I was thinking.

A couple of points: First of all, I love Metafilter, and Ask Metafilter in particular. You guys are great. Pieoverdone, I understand your point, but have to say that this woman has had led a rough life and has been dealt several raw deals along the way, not the least of which—actually, I take that back—the very least of which is frequently being treated like shit by her bipolar husband. I told her it was because I was scared about jumping into this too quickly—for my own sanity as well as hers.

When she first remarked at how easily I got along with her daughter—talking to her, playing with her, etc. I remember being old enough to help take care of a young child, and I was comfortable falling back into that routine. I have to say I really got used to rolling three-deep all last weekend and the previous week. When I said dry spell, I meant since the last time I had sex. The time since my last relationship is still too long, but only hah 5 years, not 8.

You may have just endangered this woman.

I flagged the comment. But the poster is the only one who can look out for himself. The woman is going to have to take care of that duty for herself. He really can't take responsibility for her. As for mom calling. This has bail written all over it. I'd say taking some time for yourself is a good move.

Plus, she's not your girlfriend, so don't worry about being a one-woman man quite yet. You can make those commitments when she makes those commitments. Gotta look out for yourself first or you can't look out for them. If you got caught later on in something that wasn't working the child would be hurt. Thus protecting yourself is the most important thing right now. Just wanted to point out that, divorce or not, a relationship is what the two people involved want. If she was running hot before but is now cold, then that's what is the situation is now.

You can still be her friend while giving her space and moving furniture, if you feel like it but put a profile up on an online dating site and start using your renewed self-confidence to meet and date other women. Also, it's notable that she made the first move. If she had not, would you have done so? Is part of your attraction to her simply that she desires you? Don't feel bad, you wouldn't be the first, but it may give you some insight into why you've been single for so long.